my grandma

Most people have this nice sweet grandma. Not me….well not in the sense that comes to my mind. The problem between me and my Grandma Dotson (my dad’d mom) is: we are exactly alike. You have no idea how much saying that pains me. It has taken me years to confront this. Only until recently that I have accepted it. I mean recent as in less than 5 mins ago. Since my graduation, I have been re-evaluating things in my life. Things I’ve done right, and wrong. One big thing keeps coming back to me. Family. When I was going up family was always together either on my mother’s side or my father’s. I was always surrounded by aunts and uncles..and food. There was always food. Now, no one hardly speaks to each other. My grandma has spoken to me since my grandfather’s funeral. That breaks my heart more than losing him. Let me tell you….that a lot. My grandpa was the sole reason I spoke to my grandmother. She never showed much love. She is a cheap skate. Always hard on me more than any other of her 15+ grandchildren. For the last few nights, all I can think about is her. Though we butted heads more than we got along, she’s still my grandma. She taught me how to make peanut butter cookies and her special “sheet cake.”
All these thoughts about her and mostly my grandpa, I remember a conversation with a co-worker and my grandma’s preacher’s wife (the same person). She told me instead of thinking about all the reasons why I don’t get along with grandma think of all the good times when we got along. That’s what’s has me up till after 2 am. The numerous happy memories with my grandma. She wasn’t the evil wench that I thought she was as a teen nor the trouble maker as some in our community used to say. The little 5 foot woman who taught me how to bake and make fried eggs on an electric griddle. She complimented me for not getting burned at the camper (though she knew I NEVER burned even after being in the sun for hours).

All this reminiscing, reminds me of a saying “it takes a village to raise a child.” I had a village: 4 grandparents, and 8 aunts and uncles (not including spouses or girl/boyfriends). I miss my village. I feel that my kids are missing out by not having a village. They need a village.
I know before I can plan out my future and where to go from here; I need to fix my past. I need to fix my relationships with my grandmother and probably my father. I’m sure many more family members, but one person at a time. I also have to come to terms with my grandfather’s death, which happened almost 3 years ago but I still cry like a baby at the mention of his name let alone anything else. I’m sure it’s not healthy that I haven’t been back to his gravesite since his funeral. The reason is because then his death will be real. I don’t want it to be. He was my wisest elder who kept my other elder in line. Now, I only have 3 elders (though it feels like I only have 2). Now, my only debate is whether I should call my grandmother and speak to her or write her a letter telling her how I feel. I know one way or another, I need to. 

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